Ebb and Flow

Lately, the Peace Corps has started to feel like a massive ocean, in constant flux. Some days are great, others...quite the opposite...Some days I have tons to do, other days no one even seems to acknowledge my existence in the office and at work, and I find myself wondering, "why am I here" and "what am I really doing here?" Literally, yesterday I went into the office and no one even said anything...I had plans with my counterpart, but of course we didn't do anything we had planned to do (this is a recurring theme in my peace corps service)

And because of the rainy season, chuchos and also, not to play the gender card, but as a woman, it is hard to just go out and jog to clear my mind. It is either raining, or there is a gang of wild chuchos (dogs) ready to attack me ( I almost got attacked once, and haven't mustered up the courage to go back out for a jog), or I have to deal with the vulgar comments of gross males as I jog by. Now most of the time I can deal with it, but you know every so often I just get tired of the leers, gestures, and sometimes, obscene comments. Really, there is only so much I can handle...and some days it all just bubbles up, and I don't feel like dealing with anything...

Don't get me wrong. I am still thoroughly enjoying my time in Guatemala, but it is difficult not to let these constant fluctuations get to my head...it just feels as though I can never get truly settled and comfortable...At work it seems as though any time I make even the slightest bit of progress, the next day it is all forgotten and I have to start from scratch. And it just gets disheartening after a while. I don't want to give up, but I feel like I sound like a broken record...especially when I try to bring up these issues at work...I feel like Guatemala is all about lip service. So we plan, and we make what seem like GREAT plans, or I tell them what is bothering me, and they acknowledge it and say tomorrow we can get to work....but tomorrow never comes...and then i have to re-initiate the dialogue...

And I know it is not impossible, because many of my peers seem to be accomplishing a lot...and I try to ask them how they navigate their lives, work and social, because I start wondering, "Is it me?" "What am I doing wrong?" "What can I improve?" but I am doing everything others are doing...AGH!!

But recently, I have just become so frustrated and exhausted by the dynamics at work, that I can't even muster up the strength to try right now...so, I am taking a personal day, in the hopes that tomorrow will be better...

or...Maybe I am just a smelly gringa that nobody wants to work with...! (But I have water now so I swear I shower!!!)