Whirlwind...

It is my last weekend in Guatemala. And Antigua. And I didn't think I would get emotional, as I have remained somewhat stoic throughout the last few weeks---or sometimes when not stoic, just stressed.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotion and stress for sure, trying to wrap up loose ends, saying goodbyes and getting all the necessary medical exams (yes, I did have to poop in a cup three times in a row, and if that is too much information, the peace corps life is not for you!) and paperwork done, which are required to "Close of Service" and finish the Peace Corps' experience. This is extremely fitting since the Peace Corps begins with a ton of paperwork and medical evaluations...I guess I have come full circle...

Walking through the cobblestone streets of Antigua, with the sun shining on my back and small, indigenous women trying to sell me random crap on the streets, I can't help but get a little choked up. Guatemala has been my home for the last 18 months, and somehow I feel like I am turning my back on it, the culture, the beauty, and everything it has to offer--which really is so much.

Goodbyes are hard. (thank you captain obvious)

Saying goodbye to Guatemala, is even harder...or harder than I had imagined...especially when I never imagined I would be leaving so quickly or under such strange circumstances.

And while of course it is all so bittersweet, as most goodbyes often are, I am happy to be leaving on friendly terms with Guatemala. Though I have had my fair share of challenges and dark, ugly moments here, I can leave with a smile on my face, because, equally, I have had many wonderful moments here, and I have made some amazing friends--both peace corps and host country nationals.

I do feel lucky to be leaving on good terms with this country. And I dream of coming back one day to visit my friends and family I have made here and the home I have created here...

Thank you, Guatemala for the good times and the bad, for the friendships I have cultivated and for the experience of a lifetime. I hope I never forget you...I don't know how I could...

The Rise and Fall of Noorita Menchu...

When I was in kindergarten, my mom told me that my name is my identity; it is who I am, and I shouldn't let people change it, especially to an easier and more "americanized" version. People had a habit of mispronouncing both my first and last names. Even now this is still the case. People I have known forever mispronounce my name...it does not actually rhyme with door or poor or whore (with this last one people think they are so clever; it's been done; and it doesn't really work!). The double o sound in my name sounds like the "oo" in poo...(lovely comparison I know...) but it is tricky because in English, when you add the r after the double o, it changes the sound to "oh"...poo does not have the same "o" sound as in poor.

My mom taught me to be proud of my name, and through that, my ethnic and cultural background, while sometimes sending contradictory messages, confusing to a 5-year old, such as, "Be proud of your heritage. Be proud of your name. You are Indian and Pakistani...but also American. You were born here, and when anyone asks you, you are American".

In kindergarten I would get into fights defending the honor of my name. I was so passionate about it; I didn't want to let my parents down. I mean hadn't they sacrificed everything for us in leaving their homelands and immigrating to a new world where their kids could be born and raised and have every advantage that they had missed out on?

As I got older, I don't know, maybe I gave up on the fight...I am not sure...or maybe I saw the truth of that age-old cliché--"what's in a name?"

I mean wasn't I always me, with or without my name? And what does that actually mean since identity is more fluid than solid? Aren't we always changing, adapting, learning, growing, etc., Or is my essence the same, my core? And while I have adapted to describing myself as "south-asian american," aren't I so much more than this?

For me at least, I came to realize that identity is both dynamic and fluid. It is not static; and I am so much more than a few descriptors...

So, I stopped correcting mispronunciations of my name, because at the end of the day, I figured, I am still me...or a version of me...

And then I got to Peace Corps Guatemala...and the spanish department recommended I change both my first and last name while I am here to make things easier on Guatemalans, and the fact that the first half of my last name sounds like a spanish swear word..."it would be vulgar and might cause problems later on in the communities," the teachers told me...

The kindergartner in me almost rose up and said, "My name is my name. My name is who I am...I won't change it just to makes things easier on Guatemalans." I was torn, I mean isn't the peace corps also about teaching locals about the DIVERSITY in the United States...wouldn't my name be a good starting off point? If I am learning about Guatemalan culture and trying hard to integrate, can't Guatemalan's meet me half way?

And then I met the Menchu family during training, and I took on an added element to my identity: Guatemalan daughter, sister, aunt, cousin.

They took me into their home and hearts. And during my second meal and first dinner with the family, who I immediately gelled with, we discussed my name and culture, and I told them how my last name was difficult to say and sounded like a swear word, and my host dad said to me, "well now you are our family; you are a Menchu!" And my host mom eagerly added, "Noorita (pronounced Norita, but I have to at least keep my spelling!) Menchu!"

And just like that, my Guatemalan alter-ego, "Noorita Menchu," was created...And I didn't mind. Because I was a part of their family, and it was done with cariño, with love. They weren't trying to change me or push me away for my differences, instead, they pulled me into their family.

But now, 18 months later I am making the decision to early COS; to graduate from the Peace Corps, in a sense, and move on to the next chapter of my life...and I wonder about how I have changed, what I have learned, and how I have grown from this experience...and I wonder who I am now.

I am definitely older (I have the white hairs to prove that one)...not sure about whether or not I am wiser...I feel changed, I am just not entirely sure in what manner I have changed...

But I do know it is time to retire Noorita Menchu...it is time to move on...but I am plagued by many a thought...

Am I still me? Am I better off now for having been here?

Did I get what I hoped I would out of the Peace Corps, even if it ended differently than I had imagined? (let's be honest, the whole thing was different than what I had imagined...)

I guess these are a few things I will be processing for a while...

And...While I pack up my house, get ready to leave site and then Guatemala, I wonder all these things, and I feel a mixture of nostalgia and sadness, and it is overwhelming. I realize I have a lot to sort through, physically with all the crap I have accumulated in the last 18 months, and emotionally, with all the feelings and memories I have stored up since coming to this country...

But mostly, I feel grateful. I did this. I came here. I had this amazing opportunity and experience. I tried and gave it my all. I have no regrets...This isn't giving up. This is just moving on.

And I know that it is time to retire Noorita Menchu...and it is time for me to return to reality...whatever that is...

Chaos, Thy Name is Peace Corps

Before you apply to the Peace Corps, you are told that you need a fair (let's be honest, you need MORE than a fair) amount of patience and flexibility, for there are many bumps along the path to becoming a volunteer, and you need to be willing to face these obstacles head on. Some people even say that the application process for the Peace Corps is, for lack of a better desriptor, a pain in the ass on purpose...it is a test...if you can deal with all the curve balls (such as being assigned and reassigned various countries and programs) the Peace Corps throws your way during this process, you can survive the many challenges and uncertainties of actual Peace Corps Service...you have shown your dedication and motivation, both of which are important once in your country of service...

While my application process was pretty straightforward, with only a few bumps along the way (my region of service was changed a few times...), it was a very long year...However, once I got to country and met my fellow trainees, I heard that for some people, the process was longer and more painful...one person in my group had received two invitations prior to Guatemala, but last minute, both of these countries were suspended...it took her something like 3 years to finally get here! Now that is dedication!!

Anyway, as predicted, once in country, I had my share of ups and downs and constant surprises...When you sign up for the Peace Corps, you pretty much sign up for 27 months of ambiguity...For those of you who don't remember, once at my original site, I had an evil counterpart (and evil is being generous)...I also had issues with my host family and issues with my health. I wasn't ready to leave however, and after trying to make it work and having my director try to help, I was offered a site change...

I moved to my new site in April 2011, and while my counterpart was nice, she had no interest in working with me...so I went out and made contacts and met some pretty awesome community counterparts, such as the director of the library. At the library I carved out a niche for myself, worked with youth and taught english--not exactly what I had planned on but better than sitting on my butt doing nothing.

While things have been ok, they haven't been perfect and I have had a lot of downtime...often wondering wheteher or not I should stay or go...International Development has been my life for so long, and Peace Corps had been a goal since I first heard about it in a high school US History class I took back in the day. While I have acccomplished a few of my big goals, I often have felt unfulfilled here and many a time I had contemplated packing up and calling it a day...But I have been holding on trying to build more relationships and get more things done...

However, the last few months have caused me to question a lot of things. For those of you who have no idea of what is going on in PC Guatemala, well...let me explain...
Crime has been on the rise, a lot of which is associated with gangs and the drug trade. As a result we Peace Corps Volunteers have seen an increase in rules and policies, which, as an adult who has been out my house since the age of 18 (almost a dacade; I am OLD!!), have been restricting and bothersome to follow, but for our own safety.

During December we were shocked to learn that Honduras was removing all volunteers for a 30-day period to reasses the safety and security of all volunteers there. In the beginning of January, we were shocked yet again to receive an email from the regional director, offering every volunteer in Peace Corps Guatemala the option to take "Interrupted Service" (IS)...the best way I can describe this is as a "get out of jail free card"...You aren't exactly quitting; you are leaving for reasons outside of your control (such as an increase in crime and threats to your safety and security). However, Interrupted Service is not quite "Close of Service" (COS)...that is what you get when you complete your 2 years of peace corps' service...Personally, I think of it as graduating from the peace corps and obtaining that full "Returned Peace Corps Volunteer Status"--what we as peace corps volunteers most covet...

My initial reaction to this Interrupted Service option was, "I have 10 months left, I am gonna stick it out and hope that my work will improve and I will feel more fulfilled. I feel safe in site, though perhaps a little nervous while traveling out of site for whatever reasons: peace corps' meetings, medical appointments, etc.,.

Yesterday, an even bigger peace corps' bomb was dropped...an email was sent out saying that there is going to be an all PCV meeting next week, but any volunteer in Guatemala now has the option to early COS (close of service)...

I won't pretend like I have loved every minute of being here. I haven't. There have been more challenges than I could have possibly imagined (bigger than ginormous spiders and creepy scorpions lurking in my bathroom). But I have carved out some sort of niche here in my site and some sort of disfunctional family (I am pretty sure I am the crazy aunt who knits people awful sweaters) with my fellow PCVs. However, the last month I have felt extremely unhappy with the way things have been going; with the lack of communication, transparency, and accountability. I feel like I have been jerked around and lied to. While I understand that PC admin has been in a difficult position, I have the feeling that things are going to get way worse before they get better. There are going to be even stricter rules and policies, even more headaches, gossip and drama.

And life in site has been no picknick either...I have also been lied to and jerked around by the muni. Project start dates have come and gone, and I am tired of feeling like I am banging my head against the wall to get anyone to work with me. I am tired of being lied to. With all these administrative changes, threats to safety and security, and challenges in site, I feel like I am drowning. I feel like all this time I have been treading water, trying to stay afloat. But now I am just too tired to deal with it all. I am tired of fighting to be here.

The early COS option has made me realize that my time is up. It is time to bow out gracefully, take my early cos and "graduate from the peace corps early." I have learned a lot and grown since I have been here, and now I am ready. I am ready to graduate onto my next step, and Peace Corps is allowing me to. So I am going to...

This was a very difficult decision to make, as a part of me really does want to stay and try and accomlish more in my next 8.5 months of service; however, with all this concern with safety, my concentration and commitment to "making it work" have been shattered. And taking the early COS option is the best decision for me.

It is time for a change.

Thank you all for your support throughout this crazy adventure, which I will never regret and I am truly grateful for.

New Year's on Top of a VOLCANO

Ok, so this is a little bit belated, but for those of you wondering about my New Year's in Guatemala, here it is! This New Year's I decided to do something different...I wanted to start off my new year on the right foot. I wanted to do something reflective of my peace corps' service...something that would challenge me mentally and physically. So with a few friends, I set out to climb Tajumulco, a volcano in the western highlands in San Marcos, Guatemala.

This is not just any volcano...it is both the highest peak not only in Guatemala, but also in Central America (about 15,000 feet). I thought it would reflect my Peace Corps service well, because like the Peace Corps, it would be a huge challenge...I was sure there would be times I wanted to jump off the volcano, or turn around crying (especially since I am not in the best shape here...as I gave up running because I couldn't handle being chases by chuchos or cat-called by the locals) but like the Peace Corps, I knew all these trials would be worth it in the end...if I just stood my ground...

Now, for those of you who know me, you know I am not one of those crazies who ever hopes to complete a marathon or climb all the highest mountains in the world. I like hiking and nature, but more leisurely strolls...however, I was willing to try something new...get even further out of my comfort zone (Peace Corps Guatemala has definitely pushed me to the limits of this).

Originally, the plan was to hike the volcano with a small group. I thought we were being outrageously clever and that no other peace corps volunteers would have the same idea...Wrong, in the end there were about 15 of us, but this worked out better, because I got to meet some amazing new people. Anyway, our group set out on December 31, 2011 at about 10 am from the base of the volcano...I would describe the grueling details, but I will share that I didn't vomit or cry--though I wanted to do both many times along the way. At almost 4pm, we got to where we were going to camp that night. The plan was to wake up early--4am--the next day (new year's day) to get to the summit to see sunrise...Needless to say, there was no "partying" at camp. We set up camp, made a fire, sat around, ate, talked, chilled, made smore's and decided that 8pm would be our midnight...so at 7:59:10 we counted down...someone brought sparklers, so we lit those...then we called it a night...

Of course I didn't get any sleep because I was on top of a rock (literally)...it didn't matter because I was ready to reach the top...we set off around 4am...in the dark...I had my headlamp,but parts of the path were steep and off cliffs and scary with or without the light...In my opinion, this was the hardest part, and this is definitely when it got harder for me to breathe--damn that high altitude--the part where I wanted to say, "hey, I came far enough...I am fine here...why don't I just stay put"...but I didn't...I got to the top and it was...

ANTICLIMACTIC...! ( I really hope that is NOT how I feel when I finish the peace corps in, wait for it, 8.5 months!!!)

So, we get to the top...15 or so minutes before sunrise, and it is FREEZING and overcast...and wet. At some point I stopped being able to feel my external appendages (they are overrated anyway I hear...)...soon it is time for sunrise, but there were just too many clouds to see. I mean it was cool that we were above a layer of clouds...we were HIGH up...but no sunrise ever presented itself...then it just started raining...and we turned around, half frozen...

Although you might think I would have been disappointed after working so hard to reach the summit, despite not being able to see the sunrise, it was still eerily tranquil and beautiful up top...and strangely exhilarating...

All in all, I don't regret it and I am grateful I had the opportunity to 1) hike the volcano with an amazing bunch of people and 2) to make it all the way to the top.

Now there are crazier people than I who were disappointed with this trip and want to return to Tajumulco in April to see the sunrise...I was invited for a round two...but to these people who shall remain unnamed, I say, "HELL NO!! and You are CRAZY"...I had my Tajumulco fix, and now I can say (without ever even wanting to) that I have climbed 2 volcanoes in Guatemala (Tajumulco and Pacaya, which is is waaay easier, fyi) and that I have climbed the highest peak in Central America. That is enough for me...why get greedy?

On to the more important things of 2012...getting my projects completed and completing the Peace Corps with a sense of accomplishment beyond merely completing the Peace Corps...8.5 (maybe 8) months to go...

See you all THIS year =)