Ebb and Flow

Lately, the Peace Corps has started to feel like a massive ocean, in constant flux. Some days are great, others...quite the opposite...Some days I have tons to do, other days no one even seems to acknowledge my existence in the office and at work, and I find myself wondering, "why am I here" and "what am I really doing here?" Literally, yesterday I went into the office and no one even said anything...I had plans with my counterpart, but of course we didn't do anything we had planned to do (this is a recurring theme in my peace corps service)

And because of the rainy season, chuchos and also, not to play the gender card, but as a woman, it is hard to just go out and jog to clear my mind. It is either raining, or there is a gang of wild chuchos (dogs) ready to attack me ( I almost got attacked once, and haven't mustered up the courage to go back out for a jog), or I have to deal with the vulgar comments of gross males as I jog by. Now most of the time I can deal with it, but you know every so often I just get tired of the leers, gestures, and sometimes, obscene comments. Really, there is only so much I can handle...and some days it all just bubbles up, and I don't feel like dealing with anything...

Don't get me wrong. I am still thoroughly enjoying my time in Guatemala, but it is difficult not to let these constant fluctuations get to my head...it just feels as though I can never get truly settled and comfortable...At work it seems as though any time I make even the slightest bit of progress, the next day it is all forgotten and I have to start from scratch. And it just gets disheartening after a while. I don't want to give up, but I feel like I sound like a broken record...especially when I try to bring up these issues at work...I feel like Guatemala is all about lip service. So we plan, and we make what seem like GREAT plans, or I tell them what is bothering me, and they acknowledge it and say tomorrow we can get to work....but tomorrow never comes...and then i have to re-initiate the dialogue...

And I know it is not impossible, because many of my peers seem to be accomplishing a lot...and I try to ask them how they navigate their lives, work and social, because I start wondering, "Is it me?" "What am I doing wrong?" "What can I improve?" but I am doing everything others are doing...AGH!!

But recently, I have just become so frustrated and exhausted by the dynamics at work, that I can't even muster up the strength to try right now...so, I am taking a personal day, in the hopes that tomorrow will be better...

or...Maybe I am just a smelly gringa that nobody wants to work with...! (But I have water now so I swear I shower!!!)

Fijese que…aka the kiss of death (sort of)

Nothing good ever follows the Spanish expression of “fijese que…”

It goes something like this: Fijese que the owner of the tienda had a heart attack…Fijese que you can’t live here anymore and have only 1 day to move out…etc., etc., etc.,

However, more often than not, the “Fijese que” expression is used to denote some sort of flakiness or commitment issue… Fijese que…I can’t come to your meeting, the meeting has been cancelled, it’s not you, it’s me…. I never want to see you again…you suck…etc., etc., etc.,

Anyway, suffice it to say that no good news ever comes from “Fijese que…”

Take for example, today. I had been in the office no more than 10 minutes, when I was bombarded by a whole slew of “fijese ques”…

“Fijese que el alcalde, los concejales, e los estudiantes no pueden venir a la presentación hoy…fijese que tal vez sea mejor dejar la reunión por la próxima semana…y tambien... fijese que yo tengo malas noticias…no puedo viajar contigo a Cuerpo de Paz…”

Translation, “Silly gringa, did you really think things would work out on the first try??” OK, perhaps this is not the exact translation, but basically, my meeting to get this bottle project up and running has been delayed twice now, and I was supposed to bring my counterpart with me to a workshop at Peace Corps (today) and she tells me (TODAY) that she can no longer come…

And people think I have commitment issues…(by the way, I am totally going to use the “fijese que” line one day…and I will blame it on Guatemala and the Peace Corps. It will be great…)

On the bright side, at least this counterpart actually TALKS to me and tells me when things get cancelled/when she can’t come with me rather than just not showing up and having me wait in the rain for her for like 3 hours…then not answering her phone for a week making me think she was attacked by bolos or chuchos and dead in a ditch somewhere … (I am not bitter still...)

Now that is what I call progress…!

If there is one thing I have learned to love and appreciate in the Peace Corps, it’s the small things in life…the really, realllllllly, reeeeaaaaallllllyyyyy small, microscopic things that you can barely see and that I took for granted these past 26 years of my life…

Fijese que…I have to end this blog now…

The Rainy Season Blues...

Rainy season is officially here…(or at least I say it is…so that is kind of official I suppose)…and what does this mean? Well, for one it means that creepy, huge insects of like every species possible have crawled out of the woodwork and into my house. And no matter how many I kill, a billion more replace them. I freely admit that I am forced to murder many a Guatemalan bug. Pacificist that I am, usually in the US I like to let bugs go free in the wild, you know, return them to their natural habitat…(not just because before I got here I was afraid and both grossed out by killing bugs).

Here however, letting one bug go free could result in my death…Ok, ok, fine, maybe I am being a TAD dramatic here…but if I don’t kill the bugs, they will kill me…no wait, that might also be a gross exaggeration…let’s just say that if I don’t kill the bugs, I might live only to regret it…That being said, this week I have killed about a bajillion spiders, and one very HUGE spider, bigger than a tarantula (I wish I were exaggerating here…) I actually tried to drown it, but the thing SWAM!!! So, in the end, it had to be squished…

Other than the mass murder of bugs, rainy season also means that it takes forever to do my laundry, which for me, already was a long process to begin with. Now I am no expert at hand-washing clothes, but I like to soak them for a few days, then scrub them, and then hang them up to dry. Usually drying only takes a day, however, with all the rain now it takes forever…and sometimes, they still don’t dry! Egh…

But really, I have to admit that (so far anyway) rainy season is not as bad as I thought it would be, but I do realize that it is only the beginning. All I can say is that I am glad I brought my rain boots and umbrella back from the States with me…