Anyway, last week was a pretty awesome week because I got to travel to the department of Solola (where lake Atitlan is) to meet with a youth group my NGO is considering working with in the future. It was a great first session that I was in charge of planning (yay! I finally got to do something!) After that I went to the peace corps office because I get to help facilitate diversity training for the new groups of trainees that come in. Because of this I got to spend time in Antigua.
I can't describe how wonderful it was to be 1) out actually working and facilitating sessions (the reason I am HERE in the Peace Corps) and 2) just away from the office and my counterpart.
Feeling this good then had me feeling awful because I started analyzing and over-analyzing everything, like my reasons for staying and whether or not I really can handle having to work with my counterpart the next 21 months...I was also feeling like I shouldn't be this happy to get away from my site. The whole point of having your site is to become part of your community, which, ideally, should make your work there a little easier. And the truth is, even though my site isn't the "typical" peace corps site that most people would imagine for a peace corps volunteer (I live in a pretty big city of 65,000+ people), I really do like it. I feel comfortable here. Things with my host family have improved and I even feel comfortable in my house. It is only work that isn't quite right. But why I am here if work isn't, well...working...
Anyway, so I was thinking all these things and it was making me kind of depressed and I just couldn't go into the office when I returned from my trip. I just didn't want to have to deal with my counterpart or sitting around in the office without anything to do. Because of this, I decided to take a mental health day.
I still feel a little uneasy about going into the office on Monday, but it has to be done...I just have to take it day by day I guess. But it is hard.
In these past few months, If I have learned anything, it is that the Peace Corps is a mental challenge and is more about patience and learning the lay of the land. But not just patience with the host country, the natives, and the new culture, but also patience with yourself.
It is difficult coming from the US where we are so results-oriented. We want to get in there, do our work, and see the results--we want to know we are making an impact. Many of us (or at least this is true for me) don't want to worry about the process. We just want to get in there and get our hands dirty. I guess that is my big problem. I feel like I have been in country for 6 months and in site for 3 so I should being doing MORE, or at least something...shouldn't I be getting my hands dirty? But maybe I should concern myself more with the process...and maybe I will lose myself in the process and find that at the end of this crazy ride called peace corps that I will have achieved more than I could have hoped for...
And when I think about it, everyday I am doing something...maybe it is not what I was hoping to be doing, but everyday I am learning more about Guatemala, meeting new people and building my niche...a niche where I can hopefully work out of and make some sort of difference.
I hear ya, babe. Results would be nice, but I'd settle for even getting to go through the motions! Pick teeny goals and you can have bitty victories every day. Today my goal was to do laundry and mop my floor. :)
ReplyDeletetrust the process, and the results will take care of themselves...that is what i tell myself when things aren't going well. I mean there's only so much you can control, and it helps to put things in perspective.
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