Sometimes You Just Have to Cut Your Losses (Don’t Worry I am not Leaving PC…!)

Ever since counterpart day (when your counterpart comes to the Peace Corps office to meet you and you both talk about expectations, roles, etc., ) and site visit (a three-day trip where you visit your site, find your housing and get to know your host agency where you will work the next two years), things felt a bit off. I remember meeting my counterpart and being worried because she was somewhat cold and distant (and for those of you who know me well, I am pretty much the exact opposite. I always greet people with at least a hello and most probably a hug…she doesn’t even greet people…which is also rare for Guatemalans who are so warm and open).

I also felt a tad apprehensive because all throughout counterpart day, my counterpart was too busy on her cell phone to come in and to listen to the talks about the roles and duties of peace corps volunteers. She was too busy to come in when it was time to plan site visit (we were supposed to meet with our counterpart to come up with a 3 day plan of what we would do together those first 3 days). She was also too busy to come in and help plan my first month at work…She was also too busy to say goodbye to me at the end of the day…

I ignored all these red flags, because, really, what could I do? Sites had already been assigned and whether or not I liked my counterpart, I was going to have to work with her for the next 2 years. I was going to Quiche no matter what, so I decided I had to be flexible and go with the flow and that eventually (like when I moved to site) my counterpart and I would have those important conversations and we would, at the very least, be able to build a working and professional relationship.

Fast forward almost 4 months later, and nothing has changed, despite my APCD and PS having a talk with her…I could share with you all the horrible things my counterpart has done, but that list would be too long. But the main thing is that she keeps me from working with the women in our group. Whenever she sees me building relations with the women in our groups (who are pretty awesome actually) she sends my outside with a crying baby because “the women are being distracted”…So really I never get to help facilitate sessions (which is what I am supposed to do) instead I am treated like a babysitter. And I have both taught pre-school and baby-sat, and I did not join the peace corps to do either one of these things. (and at least in the US I was getting paid for both!) It would be one thing if I was teaching the children or doing activities with them, but they are BABIES and this might sound awful, but they are not my responsibility. I don’t have children for a reason. Moreover, my job description is mobilizing the women so that they can be active members of society. I am not here for my counterpart to send me outside the room with a crying child…

Anyway, it was at this moment, with a crying baby drooling on my shoulder that I realized my counterpart is never going to change. I have tried to open dialogue with her, I have tried to help work with her as a partner, but it is clear that she doesn’t want me around. She has also done other things that have threatened my safety. I won’t go into details, but these last few things pushed me to go talk to my APCD (program director) and ask for a change. It is clear to me that I cannot go on working with my counterpart, because it will never be productive. I don’t want to waste my Peace Corps service. Time is precious and there are people in Guatemala who I am certain would want to work with me.

My APCD and Project Specialist are awesome and have agreed to look for new sites for me…so hopefully in about a month I will be at my new site with a new counterpart; one who won’t jeopardize my safety and will be willing to work with me, or won’t treat my presence in the office like the black plague…that would be nice at the very least (I am not asking for much here…!)

I guess I just got to this point where I had tried everything I could think of, tried everything my APCD had thought of, yet my situation was not improving. Because of this, my mental state was deteriorating and I realized (with the help of some awesome peace corps friends) that I needed to start placing my own needs first and ask for help. Again. I just think that my counterpart never wanted a volunteer in the first place. I really believe that is the heart of the problem. And in development work I firmly believe that you can’t work with people who don’t want you there or don’t want your help. So, really it is time to cut my losses and move on and hope for the best…

Let’s see what happens…because I love Guatemala and the Peace Corps and I am not quite ready to walk away from it just yet!

Reconnect

So, I have officially been at site for 3 months and in country for 6 months…which is awesome (not to toot my own horn!!). But let me explain why this is awesome. Many volunteers have told us newbies that the first 3 months at site are the hardest (and perhaps the first year as well), but if you stick it out the first 3 months at site then you are good to go (well sort of, but most people know whether or not the peace corps is for them by the end of the first 3 months…or so many have told me…). At least I don’t think I am going anywhere!

I had already invested in the Peace Corps before I even got to Guatemala (year long application process, being moved from the Middle East to Francophone Africa to Latin America, having some communication problems with my PO—to put it mildly—not to mention that doing the Peace Corps had been my dream since I was 16 years old…now it is 10 years later…if that isn’t dedication, then I don’t know what is…and I thought I had commitment problems…hmmm…)

Anyway, it was my fear that after investing all this time and effort (oh did I mention I have been volunteering and interning abroad for the last 6 years with local and international NGOs and in Grad school I studying international development just to make sure 1) I had enough useful skills for the Peace Corps and 2) I could, indeed, live in developing nations) that the Peace Corps just wouldn’t be for me…

But even though I have had my share of challenges, and I foresee at least a billion more before my 27 months are up, I have to say everything about the Peace Corps feels like a perfect fit for me, and I have no intentions of going home anytime soon! And making it to reconnect just reaffirms this. Now, if only if I could find a significant other who fits me just as well…haha…wouldn’t that make my mom happy?!?!(I love you, mommy!)

Moreover, in this past week I have decided to make a new resolution. I have decided to stop counting down to the end of my service (even though I swear I really enjoy it here, sometimes I can’t help counting down to my COS—close of service—date). I decided to try hard to stop this because I feel like I need to concentrate on making the most of this unique experience. I don’t want to waste it by counting down to the end. I want to take the time to relish the moment; no mater how sucky that moment might be…because it is a moment that I will never get back. Who knows if I will ever have another opportunity like the Peace Corps to live and breathe Guatemala for the next 2 years…

Oh, for those of you wondering what reconnect is…well...Basically, after the first 3 months at site the Peace Corps brings back all volunteers to the PCHQ to talk about how it’s going and give us more information, etc., (I think…to be honest I don’t really know what we do…but I am excited to see all the other volunteers in my training class and just hang out…)

Anyway, I am headed back to Antigua to see the other volunteers, climb Pacaya (volcano!!!), and get my reconnect on!

Woohoo!

Lose Yourself in the Process and You May Surprise Yourself...

So, for those of you following my peace corps adventure you will remember that I have been having some problems with my counterpart...our relationship is a bit tumultuous to say the least, but things have been looking up...though it is hard to tell because I think my counterpart is bipolar or schizophrenic, so every day with her is unpredictable. However, as my awesome project specialist reminded me, "working with crazy people who are hard to work with" can only help you when you are applying for jobs after this...(Thank you Doris!)

Anyway, last week was a pretty awesome week because I got to travel to the department of Solola (where lake Atitlan is) to meet with a youth group my NGO is considering working with in the future. It was a great first session that I was in charge of planning (yay! I finally got to do something!) After that I went to the peace corps office because I get to help facilitate diversity training for the new groups of trainees that come in. Because of this I got to spend time in Antigua.

I can't describe how wonderful it was to be 1) out actually working and facilitating sessions (the reason I am HERE in the Peace Corps) and 2) just away from the office and my counterpart.

Feeling this good then had me feeling awful because I started analyzing and over-analyzing everything, like my reasons for staying and whether or not I really can handle having to work with my counterpart the next 21 months...I was also feeling like I shouldn't be this happy to get away from my site. The whole point of having your site is to become part of your community, which, ideally, should make your work there a little easier. And the truth is, even though my site isn't the "typical" peace corps site that most people would imagine for a peace corps volunteer (I live in a pretty big city of 65,000+ people), I really do like it. I feel comfortable here. Things with my host family have improved and I even feel comfortable in my house. It is only work that isn't quite right. But why I am here if work isn't, well...working...

Anyway, so I was thinking all these things and it was making me kind of depressed and I just couldn't go into the office when I returned from my trip. I just didn't want to have to deal with my counterpart or sitting around in the office without anything to do. Because of this, I decided to take a mental health day.

I still feel a little uneasy about going into the office on Monday, but it has to be done...I just have to take it day by day I guess. But it is hard.

In these past few months, If I have learned anything, it is that the Peace Corps is a mental challenge and is more about patience and learning the lay of the land. But not just patience with the host country, the natives, and the new culture, but also patience with yourself.

It is difficult coming from the US where we are so results-oriented. We want to get in there, do our work, and see the results--we want to know we are making an impact. Many of us (or at least this is true for me) don't want to worry about the process. We just want to get in there and get our hands dirty. I guess that is my big problem. I feel like I have been in country for 6 months and in site for 3 so I should being doing MORE, or at least something...shouldn't I be getting my hands dirty? But maybe I should concern myself more with the process...and maybe I will lose myself in the process and find that at the end of this crazy ride called peace corps that I will have achieved more than I could have hoped for...

And when I think about it, everyday I am doing something...maybe it is not what I was hoping to be doing, but everyday I am learning more about Guatemala, meeting new people and building my niche...a niche where I can hopefully work out of and make some sort of difference.