Every action has an equal and opposite reaction…

A few weeks ago, I reached my maximum frustration point with my counterpart and with my “work” at CODEFEM. My counterpart’s frosty demeanor and lack of communication would have been somewhat tolerable had I been busy with work; however, as my counterpart wasn’t communicating with me at all and as we are the only two people in the office, this made working with her or in general pretty much impossible. Finally, after my counterpart “forgot” to tell me that the office was opening a week later then scheduled and I sat for hours outside the office waiting for her (which had happened before and she would show up a couple hours later and explain that she didn’t have saldo or credit to call me…which made no sense since I called her phones a billion times and it does not take any saldo to answer the phone…but oh well…) I couldn’t take it anymore.

Anyway, long story short I had a meeting with my host country agency (CODEFEM) and my program director from Peace Corps, and ever since then things have been better…in fact, my counterpart has been creepily nice…it is really freaking me out…I am scared that any day now she will just snap and go back to not talking to me. But I am trying to take advantage of her change of heart and do as much as I can to help out so I can prove that I am indeed an asset to the organization…Anyway, things are looking up for me at the moment.

I still sometimes have those “what the hell am I doing here” or “can I really last in this country for 2 years?” moments, but after talking to many other volunteers, I have been assured that this is normal (I am not crazy! well…you know what I mean).
It is always going to be a constant challenge. There will be moments of sheer joy and even more moments of utter despair (maybe that is a bit of an overstatement…but you get the idea). There will be ups and downs…There already have been many. I knew all this before I signed up…and yet, each time it is a surprise…but it is those (rare) happy surprises, like having a woman give me an avocado at a taller (workshop) to thank me for my help that make it all worth it…
I think…

I mean…it was a damn good avocado…! I hope someone gives me mangoes at my next taller…maybe then it will all be worth it…=)

Motion Sickness

This past week has been the biggest rollercoaster ride thus far for me in the Peace Corps; which currently has me feeling slightly bipolar and a little dizzy from all the uncontrollable movement. The ups and downs of the Peace Corps never cease to surprise and frustrate me. You think by now I would be used to this, but I am not, nor will I ever be. In fact, I think I might have whiplash from all this uncontainable motion.

There are moments of utter bliss and tranquility-Kismet-when everything just clicks and I know that I am supposed to be here in PC Guatemala. For example, like today when I met an awesome girl named Elena, who I think is my first official guatemalan friend that I met myself (Yes, I am a HUGE loser here and have NO friends that I made myself...so meeting her was a huge deal...she bought me an ice cream cone...now if that isn't friendship, then I don't know what is). However, there are moments when I freak out and think to myself, "Why the HELL am I here? What the HELL was I thinking...What the HELL am I even doing with my time????" (Actually, let's be honest, I actually think the "F" word, but "hell" is somewhat less offensive...and my parents might be reading this...)

For example, after my craptastic experience with my counterpart, aka demon-wench from the underworld, I really was questioning why I am here if my work-partner does not even want to work with me, or even talk to me. However, then I decided to actively seek other opportunities away from this uncooperative, uncommunicative vortex of negativity, aka my counterpart, in case things continue to get worse with her. I found SO many people that I could work with and so many opportunities. There are people who like me! I knew it! More than this, there are people in Guatemala who are excited to work with people with other perspectives and experiences, people who value me as not only a work-colleague, but simply as a human being. They DO EXIST!

Moreover, there are people who care about me and want me to succeed; ie: my family, my friends back home, my friends in the Peace Corps, my training family, even my current host family (now that we have gotten through that awkward stage of them calling me a daughter of a terrorist thing...) my APCD, my PS, etc., They have all been amazing, in their own, unique way. Without this support, I really think I would have thought more about early terminating... (haha)...but I am going to keep on keepin' on...and enjoy the ride...even if it makes me cry sometimes...even if it makes me think about finding a voodoo doll and trying out voodoo on my counterpart...even if it makes me want to pull out my hair, throw-up, or eat a nonexistent tub of Ben and Jerry's all by myself.

There will always be obstacles in our lives keeping us from any type of satisfaction; in my current case, this would be She who shall not be named (counterpart diablo). But we can't focus on the bad, the challenges, on the evil counterparts of the Peace Corps World. We have to look past this and find the positive. Because it is there, obscured, perhaps, by negativity and people who want us to fail. Hidden in the darkness, is the light, the positive, the people who are rooting for us, and the opportunities that are waiting for us to find them...We cannot forget this...I almost did...

A Frustrating Start to the New Year

Vocabulary (you can’t be a PCV without about a billion acronyms and some random HCN words!):

PCV-Peace Corps Volunteer

Counterpart-host country national that the Peace Corps Volunteer will work with for two years (God give me strength) in order to help promote sustainability; in my case, a not so friendly or communicative/cooperative Guatemalteca

APCD- Associate Peace Corps Director; this is the person who is in charge of your program (in my case, my program is Municipal Development and my APCD is awesome!) and helps you when things get tough

PS-Project Specialist; works with your APCD helping you with your projects and placement at host agency (mine is awesome!); also helps you when times get tough (and provides hugs when needed!)

HCN-Host Country National

HCA-Host country agency; the partner agency where a PCV works

CODEFEM-the host country agency where I work; a local nonprofit organization committed to defending women’s rights and citizen participation but more so dedicated to making my life a nightmare…

PC/G-Peace Corps Guatemala

La Hora Chapina-Guatemalan time; meaning an hour or so tardy

Chucho-dog

That is all for now, but I am sure there will be more later=)

I was supposed to start back at CODEFEM Monday, January 3. I was a little bit nervous just because things at work have not been so great and I really wanted to start off the New Year in a more productive and positive manner. So, I went to the office ready to start the day (and year) off right. However, when I get there, there was no sign of my counterpart, which is not that unusual as she usually shows up 30-45 minutes late. However, usually I have the key so I can just let myself into the office. My counterpart, being the disorganized wench that she is, asked for my key before the holidays as she had lost hers (typical)…of course she never returned my key…

So, there I was sitting on the step outside of my office, literally freezing my butt off (Quiché is flippin’ cold and the cement I was sitting on was ICE COLD) reading A WIND in the DOOR, reliving my childhood. (This is a companion book to A Wrinkle in Time, and was like my favorite trilogy when I was 9; I found the three books in a used book store at Lake Atitlan!). Two hours pass me by, and I get worried…because 2 hours is absurd…I call all three of my counterparts phone lines, but of course NO ANSWER. And I don’t just try like one time…I am pretty much stalking her with the amount of times I call her. I then called the other volunteer who also works at CODEFEM (We work at satellite offices…She works at a CODEFEM office in the eastern part of the country; whereas, I work in the West) to see if she is at the office…Turns out she was having the same exact problem (By the way the CODEFEM satellite offices where we work are made up of one peace corps volunteer and one CODEFEM tecnica, or our counterparts)…

Anyway, we both decide that we have waited enough time…I sent my counterpart an email saying that I waited for like 2 hours and just want to know if everything is alright, etc., And decided to go home and go for a jog to clear my mind (Might I add that during said jog I was almost attacked by a crazy, perhaps rabid Chucho…I’ll spare you the details, but let’s just say it was a close call and I won’t be taking that path anymore…)

Anyway, I called the other volunteer to ask her to let me know if she gets any news from her counterpart, as her counterpart is usually more communicative and actually lets my friend know when she isn’t going to show up (unlike my inconsiderate, rude, uncooperative, incommunicado counterpart—I am not bitter...ok, maybe I am...)

My friend gets an email from her counterpart apologizing for not contacting her sooner and saying that CODEFEM decided not to open this week; instead CODEFEM would open Jan 10. This was news to both of us and was decided when the offices where already closed. After this I was pretty annoyed, and I start trying to call my counterpart, because I was actually pretty peeved. After about calling her 20 times with no answer, she finally picks up her phone and is all surprised to hear from me. (Um, did you not hear your phone ring the 20 times I called you, and did you not hear any of your 3 lines ring like all day yesterday??) (She never answers when I call...this has been going on since I started working with her...I am pretty sure she screens my phone calls)

She says, “What do you want?” (real friendly-like, this one...NOT)

I say, “Well, I waited outside the office for a bit yesterday…”

She responds, “Why would you do that?”

I say, “Because last time we spoke, I was told the office would open Jan 3”

She says, “No, I told you Jan 10”

And I said, “No, you didn’t”…but it wasn’t worth arguing with her, because she always does this, without apologies or regard for my time. I had the email from the other volunteer’s counterpart pretty much saying that this had been decided via email when the office was already closed. (So, no way this was decided when I was around) And my Spanish is pretty good so I don’t think I would have confused Jan 10 with Jan 3, nor would both myself and the other volunteer show up to work if we hadn’t been told Jan 3. Lastly, When I was making my work calendar, I asked my counterpart when the office would reopen because I had to submit that to my APCD, and she told me the 3^rd. But whatever. She is a liar, and has done this to me numerous times before, so I really shouldn't be surprised and shouldn't have been hoping for an apology or even an iota of respect from her, since I have never received either in the time that we have been working together...

AGH.

Anyway, my APCD and PS are going to do a site visit and chat with my counterpart (in a professional manner) to go over our roles and expectations…which I hope we be fruitful as I am not sure she even wants a volunteer to work with…and I can’t do anything since she is the ONLY other human being in the office (most other volunteers work in HCA’s with more than one employee so if they aren’t getting support from their counterpart they can seek out other people to work with; I really can’t do this without leaving my HCA entirely—which at this point, I wouldn’t mind) and the whole point is to work in pairs in order to promote sustainability…

She clearly never learned how to play well with others. I have tried. And I feel like I am at my wits end…I am a bit upset, sad, and frustrated that the New Year hasn't started out differently. However, I am not quite ready to give up on her or CODEFEM…(Although I am thinking a lot more violent thoughts toward her...and I am generally a pacifist...)

But I will keep on keepin’ on and see what happens…

So much for a less frustrating 2011…

How to Have a Feliz Navidad…Chapin Style

Recipe for a Chapin (Guatemalan) Christmas:

-One billion tamales

-Ponche (a hot Guatemalan beverage that consists of pineapple, papaya, banana, raisins, cloves, cinnamon, water)

-Every type of firework you can imagine (and so very illegal in the United States!)

-Loud Music, preferably Banda or Marimba

-Mandatory prayer to baby Jesus from each family member

-2 hour mass (if not more…!)

-Angelitos (marshmallows)

-Bonfire in the house (yes, IN the house) or yard if you have one…

-Uvas (grapes)

-Manzanas (Apples)

-Nativity scene in your house (does not have to have people, can use muppets, dolls, or other figurines—Barney is especially popular—but a Baby Jesus figurine is mandatory)

and…voila!

For those of you who know me or were in my Peace Corps Spanish class, you will know that “en realidad, yo no celebro Navidad” (I don’t celebrate Christmas) (I said this to my Spanish teacher after he asked me what I did for Christmas like the first week of classes. The expression on his face after I said this was priceless…he looked like a 5 year old who was just told that there, indeed, is no Santa…Sorry to those of you reading this who previously believed in Santa…oops, my bad…)

However, this year I got to experience a very Guatemalan Xmas. My host family from my training town invited me to return to their home and celebrate Navidad with them, and I have to say it felt awesome to be so included in such an intimate family gathering. Let me first say that I love, love, LOVE my training town host family. I actually feel like they are my real family, which is a great feeling to have when you are so far away from home and your family. They are loving, warm, and gracious, and they treat me like I am one of their own and like I belong. I never feel awkward or like I am walking on eggshells when I am in their house (I often feel this way with my current family, even though they are very hospitable; there is just this sense that I don’t belong). It was so relaxing and comforting to be around them, even if I did have to sit through a 2-hour mass on Christmas Eve(my first one ever!). Totally worth it!

Anyway, so the morning of Christmas eve we got to work making a billion (this might be a slight exaggeration…) tamales. We also made chile rellenos, because my host mom knows this is my favorite meal ever and that I wanted to learn how to make them (See why I love this family?? They know the importance of food in my life!). Then we just chilled until mass, which was at 9pm. After mass we came back to the house and built a bonfire and basically waited for midnight. At midnight everyone prayed to Jesus and said how grateful they were (as guest I got the honor of going first…awkward but nice…it felt a little like thanksgiving…and afterall, I had (and have) a lot to be grateful for; ie: I now have two wonderful families, my biological family who is amazing and my Guatemalan family, also quite wonderful).

After we said our prayers, we ate the delicious, delicious tamales!(Incidentally, I never want to see another tamale again...at least not until next Xmas) We also ate cookies, grapes, apples, roasted marshmallows and drank ponche, which is like a Guatemalan punch I guess, and is the official beverage for any fiesta here in Guatemala. ( I am not a huge fan since it has the dreaded papaya in it…but most people—both gringos and chapins— find it delicious. After this my 12 year old host nephew, Memo (Guillermo) was super excited to teach me how to “quemar cohetes” or shoot of fireworks. I was scared that I would lose a major appendage since I have never actually played with fireworks, being the law-abiding citizen that I am, but not wanting to disappoint my nephew I gave in…And let me just say in the states all of the fireworks we shot off would most definitely be illegal. Regardless, it was super fun, I eared the status “profesional” from Memo, and I still have all my fingers, toes, hands, and feet! So, all in all, I would say this was a very successful Christmas.

Cheers, Happy Holidays, and a very Happy New Year!! I am off to celebrate the New Year at Lake Atitlan!!

Talk to you all in 2011!

Tell me lies, tell me sweet, sweet lies...

In my personal opinion, sometimes while living or working abroad, it is necessary to tell a white lie. Some of my Peace Corps friends are worried because they think I may be becoming a pathological liar, but to all of them I would like to defend my actions and say:

When a creepy guy in a camioneta keeps talking to you and 20 minutes later asks you whether or not you are married and you have about 4 more hours of sitting next to him on a bus, I think you have to lie and say that your fiancé is back in the states and yes, it is a challenge everyday being so far apart, but luckily he is very supportive of all your endeavors. He understands that this is something you need to accomplish before you get married and settle down (If I had a fiancé back in the US I am sure he would totally say this…so it is not really a lie, right?)

Also, religion here is huge. In Guatemala people seriously are either Catholic or Evangelical…While there is a very small minority that represents other religions, and even ancient Mayan beliefs, it is really not the norm and no one really says they are anything different. I made the mistake my first night in Guatemala of being honest about my religion. I told my first host family (I only lived with them for 2 nights) that I was Muslim…they stared back at me in abject horror, and were pretty much speechless…After that I told my next family (who I was with for 3 months of training) I was Protestant (This got tricky when they asked me detailed questions about being Protestant). So for this current host family (I have to stay with them my first 3 months at site), I told them I was Hindu…I figure I am Indian, I can figure it out…(and I do know enough about Hinduism to get by…). And since this is the family that called me Osama Bin Laden’s daughter, I am guessing I made a good decision not telling them my true religion…

I know some of you might be wondering if I am not suffering from sort of identity crisis or mental crisis, and becoming a pathological liar…And I know part of the Peace Corps mission is to inform host country nationals about the diversity in the US, but sometimes this just is not safe, especially with current perceptions of Islam around the world. (I’m just sayin’…) Actually, because religion is HUGE in this country, the Peace Corps advised us all to say we believed in God. Apparently, in the past volunteers said they didn’t believe in God, and host country nationals thought this meant these volunteers were devil-worshippers…because of this some of these volunteers had to leave their communities…I was just trying to avoid this but still educate about other religions…perhaps not my own…!

I have probably told more lies…oh, like I am allergic to papaya…I am not allergic to papaya, I just think it tastes like dung, and I have ever since I tried it as a little girl in India…But here in guatemala if someone offers you something and you don’t accept, it is very rude. I seriously can’t eat papaya…it makes me gag, so naturally, it is easier to say I am allergic. I don’t see anything wrong with this.

Lastly, if I were a pathological liar, I wouldn’t admit any of my lies here on this blog…or would I to fool you all? Hmmm….

And to my peace corps friends who claim I am a pathological liar, you know you are lying if you say you haven’t told one single white lie while living here in Guatemala….

Down the Rabbit Hole...

Last night, as I stood yet again in an awkward and uncomfortable space filled with Ex-Pats, Guatemalans and chuchos (dogs--don't ask why, it is guatemala, just embrace it!) all wandering a dimly lit cafe, I had an epiphany...

Living and working abroad, especially though the Peace Corps, is pretty much like in Alice in Wonderland when Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

Often times it is uncomfortable and awkward beyond description or even imagination...it is dark and mysterious, and you have no idea what lies on the other side...

But, as Peace Corps volunteers, we have entered the rabbit hole, chasing the bunny...or in my case, I have entered Guatemala chasing my end goal of successfully completing the Peace Corps, which to me means, making long-lasting relationships with Guatemalans, learning about their culture, sharing about my own culture, and hopefully completing a few projects related to my program (Municipal Development).

Anyway, on the other side of this rabbit hole are crazy adventures, many a strange encounter and uncomfortable situation, but amazing and invaluable life experiences that, though at times are hard to handle, I would not trade for anything...

And so I shall continue free-falling down the rabbit hole...and a free-fall is exactly what the Peace Corps feels like...hoping that I come out unscathed and perhaps even a bit wiser when I return from this journey...

Seek to Understand...

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle...

~Plato

For those of you who don't know me very well, you might not know that before doing the Peace Corps or getting my MA, I was, in fact, "teaching for America." Although things did not go as I planned with Teach for America and I ended up resigning, I still learned a lot from the little time I did spend in that program, and while in the end it wasn't for me, I still think it is a great idea with a lot of potential (problems as well, but still great potential) and I met many amazing people in the short time I spent in TFA. I also learned a great deal from this experience...one useful phrase I learned was, "seek to understand"...

If we just take people's words and actions as they are without seeking to understand the true meaning behind these, or without trying to understand other people or other cultures, we will never really know that person, who they are, or what their culture is...we will never really know why they are the way they are or why they do and say the things they do. (kind of sounds like basic psychology but so easy to overlook) This little saying, "seek to understand" has come quite in handy during my time thus far in Guatemala. Sometimes, especially after many a frustrating event, I forget to seek to understand. However, sooner or later it always pops back into my mind.

For those of you following my blog, you will remember that I had been having some frustrating experiences throughout November. Right before Thanksgiving I had my first minor meltdown (I was actually quite proud of myself...it took me about 4 months before I cried or threw up in the Peace Corps! haha!). I was having a rough time both at home and at work. I felt little support from either end, and then, right before Thanksgiving, I got really sick. Dealing with racist comments, an absentee counterpart (The guatemalan who I am assigned to work with for 2 years, who is supposed to help me and be my partner), and feeling like death were all just too much for me to handle...

I broke down. I started crying and my host mom came into my room. She thought someone had died because I could not speak, nor could I stop sobbing hysterically, and quite loudly. I was a mess. I told her how I had been feeling and how I was sick, and she didn't say anything; she just gave me a big hug, and told me everything would be alright and that every problem had a solution. I think in that instant, she realized I was only human and was going through a lot and needed some support.

Needless to say, the racist comments have stopped. As for my counterpart, once she found out I was sick, she was actually very supportive and personable! We hugged for like the first time, and I think her walls have started to come down. I have learned a lot about her these past two weeks, and let's just say that she has her share of problems, as does my host mom and host family, in general. Neither she, nor my host mom have had the easiest of lives...and I am trying to understand their points of view and learn more about them.

As frustrated, sick, sad, homesick, fed up with living abroad, etc., as I get sometimes, I try to remember that we are all human and we are all batting through our own demons. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own problems that we can't understand any one else's situation; however, we are all connected by our humanity and the fact that we can empathize with one another, support one another, and learn from one another, and for me, this lesson, though simple, is one that helps me every day.